The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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