Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
