the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
