So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
