Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
