I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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