ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
your room smells of hookers.
And success
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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