shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
