I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
