i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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