the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
why is half of my head shaved?
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