She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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