Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
pop tarts are not kleenex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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