He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
