Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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