His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
