I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
