Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
