I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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