The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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