3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
