my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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