I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
