oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
