she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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