They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
