Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
