first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
