Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
