i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
