Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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