Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize