Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do vagina's smell?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
