I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
