I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
