Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
