let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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