One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
