quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
