fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
