Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
