This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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