I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
