That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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