No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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