How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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