I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
