i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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