i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
