My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
