When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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