shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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