I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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