great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
