I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize