If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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