I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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