thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
