this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Found your dick twin last night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
