Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize