So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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