When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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