if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
