i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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