I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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