Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
